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Similarly you avoid doing many other such things instead of liking them a lot, like; you want to try a particular type of hair style which you like and which may look odd to your nears and dears; you want to enter a contest say cooking contest but you’re afraid of what other people will think about you if you fail; you want to invite a friend of opposite gender to your house but you are afraid that your spouse or kids may recent this friend’s visit; you want to make friends of opposite gender on Facebook and interact with them but you are afraid that your husband or wife may create a scene if he or she finds it out; you want to watch a porn movie but you are afraid that your wife may react badly if she finds you watching such a movie; you want to spend a night out with your friends of same gender but you fear that your husband or wife may not allow it; you want to watch a movie with your friends of both genders but you are afraid that your husband or wife may not allow it.

Continuing with the examples, you want to pursue a career in sports, singing, acting or any other field but you’re afraid that your parents will not allow it and they will push you for studies, as is obvious from their expectations from you; you want to marry a girl from a different religion as you love her but you are afraid that your family will not approve of it; you want to move out of a miserable and torturous marriage but you are afraid that your family will not stand by this decision of yours; you don’t want to go to a particular place or meet a particular person or family but you can’t stop doing so under the pressure of your family members; you want to try a new line of profession which you like and you think you can be successful at it but you don’t try it as you fear that your near and dear ones may not approve of this decision of yours; you want to try non-vegetarian food but you are afraid that your traditionally vegetarian family will make it an issue, and many other such activities that you want to engage in but you don’t, due to your own fears, denial of permissions from elders or lack of support from your near and dear ones.

All these conscious acts of staying away from the things you want to do, due to fears, lack of support or for other such reasons, keep building more and more grudges inside you and they also keep sending messages of dislike for some specific people around you. As this keeps happening, you keep building more and more negativity inside you and once this negativity becomes too much to be contained within you, it breaks the boundaries and starts coming out in form of sudden bursts of frustration and anger. Though this frustration should ideally be taken out on people who caused it directly or indirectly in the first place, sometimes you are able to do so and sometimes you are not able to do so due to various reasons. When second is the case, this frustration makes many innocent people around you its victims, instead of going to the people who were a reason behind building this frustration.

This is the point where this problem starts hurting you as much as it can and you start offending, hurting and pushing people away from you. Hence this problem should be treated properly and reduced as much as it can be, so that you don’t have to live a life full of grudges and regrets which keep troubling you most of the time and which also trouble other people near you, as and when these grudges come out in form of frustration or anger.

Coming to the treatment for this negative habit, the root cause of holding too many grudges lies in imposing two types of restrictions on yourself where the first type is imposed on you by yourself and the second type is imposed by other people around you. For example, when you choose not to go for a particular type of hair style merely by being afraid of what other people will think about this hair style, even though you like this hair style a lot, you are putting the first type of restriction on yourself. It means that no one else is actually stopping you from having this type of hair style and it is only the fears inside you which are doing this job for you. Many other activities explained above also fall into this category where you don’t do something you like merely because of fears of your mind.

On the other hand, when you choose to study more though you want to make a career in acting and you are doing so under the pressure of your parents, it is the second type of restriction. In this case, you really want to do something and you are not afraid of going for it, but your parents don’t support you and they pressurize you to pursue studies instead of going for acting. You fail to convince them and you have to follow their directions which you don’t like at all. This is a case of type two restriction because this time, you are staying away from something you want to do, not due to fears of your own mind, but you are doing so due to restrictions imposed on you by other people in authority.

Hence you first need to identify the type of restrictions put on you and then start the treatment. In case of first type of restrictions which have been imposed by yourself, simply start doing small things that you want to do and fear at the same time, at the first level of this treatment. For example, if you want to wear a pair of worn-out jeans, go ahead and start wearing them and don’t bother about what people will think about you. Yes, some of them may not approve of it and some of them may even give you looks of disapproval or mocking looks but don’t care and enjoy wearing your jeans. You have simply done two good things to you where the first one is that you have done what you wanted and you have killed one grudge even before being born.

The second one is that though there may be some people who don’t approve of your jeans, there will always be some people or many people who approve and like your jeans. So you receive approvals along with disapprovals and this teaches you one more valuable lesson. For most things that you do, there will always be people who disapprove them and there will always be people who approve them. All you have to do is to focus on people who approve your actions and ignore the people who don’t like your actions. As you keep doing so, you gain more and more confidence to try out many things that you want to do but you are afraid of what other people will think.

Similarly, you can try other small activities of this type many of which have already been mentioned above and as you start doing more and more of these activities, you will find that not only is the number of grudges inside you decreasing but your confidence and courage to try many things that you like, is also increasing. As your confidence and courage increase, you are capable of doing somewhat bigger things which you want to do but you’re afraid of your own fears. You can increase the level of difficulty slowly and you can start doing more and more things that you like and fear. As it keeps happening, the number of grudges and regrets will start dropping and accordingly, the frustration and anger will start reducing too.

Coming to the treatment of type two restrictions which have been imposed on you by other people, they are somewhat difficult to treat as in this case, you are not the one who needs treatment and it is the people imposing such restrictions on you who need the treatment. So this treatment follows two methods one of which is to convince your near and dear ones or people in authority to allow you to do things that you want to do. The best way to achieve this goal is to seek help from someone really wise in your circle who is valued by your parents, spouse or someone else you want to convince. Explain your passion and interest for the thing you want to do and ask him to convince your people so that they may allow you to do this thing.

This trick works in many such cases as a wise man will always understand that what you like the most and what you really want to do is the best thing for you to do and accordingly, he will try his best to convince your people to allow you to do it. Since your people value the advice of this person and he is a wise person, the chances are good that he will be able to convince your people in your favor and you may get to do the thing that you want to do. Hence you should always build relationships with wise people around you who are valued by people near you and who can do this job as and when the time comes.

If however, you don’t have any such person in your circle and you fail to convince your people to let you do what you want to do, a grudge has to follow in this case as there is nothing you can do to avoid this grudge. Now that this grudge has come to you, there are two things that you can do to reduce the damage done by this grudge as much as you can. The first thing is to keep reducing the overall number of grudges by doing as many things you like as you can, because doing so will give you a far bigger number of happy moments than the number of grudges and that will help you dealing with an odd and unavoidable grudge coming your way every now and then.

The second way of reducing the level of frustration given by such grudges is to start helping other people avoid having such grudges. For example, if someone’s parents are stopping him from doing a thing which he really wants to do, which doesn’t look like a bad thing to you and his parents value your opinion, try to convince his parents to allow their son to do this thing. If you succeed in convincing the parents to allow their son to do the thing that he wants to do, you will find that though it is the son who has been allowed to do this thing, your level of frustration as well as the intensity of your grudge has also reduced.

This is because, if you are not able to do something for any reason and that builds frustration inside you, part of that frustration goes away if you can help someone else do something they really want to do. This is why you see in some movies that someone is helping someone, even when the first character doesn’t know the second character very well. When the second character asks the first one why he is helping him, the first character says he wanted to do the same or similar thing very much but he could not do it and so he is helping him do this thing as that will give him satisfaction. Yes, that does bring some satisfaction whenever you do so and the positive energy given by this type of satisfaction is the exact opposite of the negative energy given by grudges. It means that by helping other people doing what they really want to do, you can gain satisfaction and reduce the level of frustration building inside you.

By paying attention to the above mentioned methods of treatment, you can reduce and even get rid of grudges, regrets and frustrations building inside you so that you may live a better life and the people around you may not become the victims of the frustration or anger produced by such grudges and regrets. While going through this treatment, care should be taken that you should first engage in the smallest activities and then start building from there. Don’t try to do big things at the first level or the things which are too big for a particular level you are at, as doing so will give rise to resistance which is much bigger than what you can handle at that level and you will fail accordingly. Such failures will reduce your level of confidence and make the treatment less effective. Hence start from the smallest activities and then start increasing the resistance little by little.

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To be Continued

Lord Shiva Bless You

Himanshu Shangari