In the first case, the wife puts herself at the end of the conclusion and hence she only stops calculating at the point when she realizes that she may face problems through this action of hers. It means when she starts calculating everything, she travels through herself to her in-laws, through them to her husband and through him to herself; in her imagination. As soon as she reaches herself and she finds herself suffering through her husband; she decides to avoid the practice of disrespecting her in-laws and she chooses to keep respecting her in-laws.
When it comes to the second case; she again creates imagination related to an act of disrespect; she reaches her in-laws through herself; she then reaches her husband through her in-laws and she never gets beyond this point. As soon as she finds her husband suffering in her imagination; she stops this chain and she chooses to keep respecting her in-laws. This is because she loves her husband purely and she simply can’t see him suffer in any way; and the last thing she wants is to become the cause or even the medium of such suffering.
The difference should be clear now. She chooses to keep respecting her in-laws in the first case; because she doesn’t want to suffer whereas she chooses to keep respecting her in laws in the second case because she doesn’t want her husband to suffer. You see, though the final result is the same at the surface; everything changes at the bottom. In the first case, the wife starts from herself and she stops at herself, which means her imagination starts from her act and it stops at her loss. However in the second case, she starts from herself and she stops at her husband, which means her imagination starts from her act and it stops at her husband’s loss.
This is a subtle but significant difference between pure love and trade or so to say; between ego and conscience. Ego will always start from itself and it will always finish at itself and the same happens in case of trade which starts from your benefit and it ends at your benefit. When it comes to conscience; it may start from you but it always ends at the one you love. The moment you reach the one you love in any case like in this case; the journey stops and there is no road beyond that. Hence the wife may choose not to engage in certain practices; not because they may trouble her in the end; but because they may trouble her husband.
Since the troubles of her loved one which means her husband are more important for her than her own troubles; she simply can’t go beyond this point. This is why in some cases like in a mother-son relationship or even in a love relationship; a mother or a lover may happily choose to embrace a number of problems if such problems keep his or her loved one away from problems. This is the third type of love. So let’s now try to explore it.
This type of love rises from the level of soul and it reaches the level of soul. Since the soul is merely a witness and it doesn’t do anything on its own; this love type of love is managed by conscience. It has already been explained in an earlier part of this book that conscience is the purest product of the soul and it does everything on behalf of the soul where the latter exists as a witness. It is similar to the fact that sunlight does all the jobs on behalf of the Sun and the Sun remains a witness though it is the one which generates sunlight.
Only a person with high conscience can engage in this type of love as it can only be managed through conscience. When this type of love happens and say you happen to love your wife this way; you don’t love her for her body; you don’t love her for her personality and you don’t love her for anything else she may do or not do; though you may certainly like or dislike her habits or acts. However when it comes to love; you love her on the level of her soul which means you love her for what she really is and not for what she may or may not do.
In case of second type of love; since you’re in love with her personality; your love diminishes as her personality changes in the ways you don’t like. Whenever it reaches a point which is the opposite of what you like, you may start disliking her or even hating her. If you search deep within you; you’ll always be able to assign reasons for this hate, like she’s started disrespecting your parents; she’s been drinking a lot, she’s behaving badly and a number of other things. However, when it comes to the love of the third type; you can at the most dislike some of her habits and you can never dislike her.
It means you may tell her that you don’t like the fact that she disrespects your parents but you love her. This means you dislike this act of hers and not her. Whether she keeps doing so or she stops; you continue loving her the same way. Similarly; you may tell her that you don’t like the fact that she’s started drinking a lot and she’s suffering as a result; but you love her. Whether she continues this habit or she discontinues it; you continue loving her the same way.
Kindly understand that in the first case; you’re in love with her personality and you’re not in love with her real self; though you may consciously think you love her real self. Hence as soon as her personality changes to a very different type or to the opposite type; your love goes away. Going deeper; your biggest problem is not that you don’t love her real self; it is the fact that you don’t know you’re in love with her personality and you’re not in love with her. She may think you’ve stopped loving her whereas you may think she’s not the same person who you loved.
She hasn’t changed as a soul and she simply can’t even if she wants to change; and only her personality has changed. Since you always considered her personality to be her; she starts being a different person as her personality changes. It means you may start looking for another woman who possesses a personality similar to what you like, and which your wife also possessed at a time. The next woman you think you love and you marry; may also witness some changes in her personality as we all do; and the same series of events may start again.
However, this is not all and there’s another variable in this equation. This variable comes in form of you and it says that just like her personality may change over time; the personality types you like and dislike may also change from within you. For instance, you had a habit of consuming alcohol on daily basis and you liked your wife to be the one who also consumes alcohol even if she doesn’t do so on daily basis; so that you may have company. You marry a woman who drinks regularly and this is one thing in her personality that you like.
Suppose, over the next few years, something happens and you not only quit drinking but you start motivating your wife also for doing so; as you start disliking drinking. Suppose she doesn’t listen to you and she continues drinking on regular basis despite your efforts to make her disengage from drinking. The habit of drinking was the one you were looking for in your life partner at a time and it is the same habit that you hate your life partner to have. Accordingly; you start counting it against her and resentment starts building inside you. You see, she didn’t change at all when it comes to this habit; but the way you look at it has changed in the opposite direction.
This is just one habit and the same may happen in case of a number of her habits. Suppose a number of her habits actually change whereas a number of her habits remain the same but you start disliking them though you liked them earlier. As a result; her overall personality looks a lot different to you; compared to how it looked at the time of marriage. Since her personality is what you liked; your love changes along with the changes in her personality.
This is a typical problem with the second type of love which is based on the personality of the lover than being based on the soul of the lover. Even if the partner doesn’t change much; what you like or want versus what you don’t like or don’t want may change significantly over a period of time, and hence you may face problems. If this is the case and you’re an honest person; you may even admit that she’s hasn’t changed much as a person. However, you’re looking for a different type of person at this time and she or so to say; her personality doesn’t fit the description of that person.
When it comes to the love of the third type; you’re in love with her deepest self which is something that can never change. This type of relationship is practiced between two souls and it is not practiced between two bodies or two minds; both of which may change with time. It means though the bodies and the minds may still be involved; they become secondary and the primary focus is on the soul. Since neither your soul can change nor her soul can change; this love remains unchanged. It means you continue loving her irrespective of what she does or what she doesn’t.
This is because the arguments and all other such things are happening due to the interplay of your minds whereas love is happening due to the interplay of your souls. Since the level of the soul is the deepest level; no entity in your entire existence can make any changes to anything happening on this level. This is why this type of love is irreversible and even if you are able to love one person like this in your entire life; it’s more than enough.
When wise people say that love is God; it is this type of love they’re talking about. This is because this is the way God loves everyone. He continues loving all of us no matter how good or bad we are, and this is why all his angels or saints also do the same. When saints say that you should not dislike an evil person; and you should rather dislike his evil acts; they’re also speaking from this level.
This is due to the reason that being an evil person is a personality type and the soul of even one such person is pure as there is no way to corrupt the soul. Since the evil is coming through his personality and not through his soul; you should dislike his personality and not his soul. As some people may find this matter complicated to understand; the saints tell you to dislike the evil acts of one such person and not him. It means if they tell you to dislike the personality of an evil person; you may get confused.
Since some of us consider the personality of a person as the person himself; we may get confused when someone says that we should dislike the personality of an evil person but we should not dislike him. The way we may interpret is that one such saint is telling us to not to dislike an evil person at one time and he’s telling us to dislike him; in the very next sentence.
In reality; the saint is saying that the personality from which all such evil is coming is not him and he’s the soul; which is uncorrupted and which can never be corrupted. Hence he tells you to dislike his personality or so to say, he tells you to dislike this particular personality type and not the person having this personality type. The reason you should not dislike him is because he’s a soul and the soul is not doing any of this. The reason you should dislike his personality type is because that helps you stay away from this personality type. Hence in the deepest sense; the saint is telling you to stay away from this personality type and he’s not telling you to stay away from this person.