As a result, you may build even stronger walls around you. This is because you may decide that it is better not to let people get closer to you, than letting them get closer and then seeing them move away. With time, you may naturally become very good at keeping people away from you. You may think your defense mechanism of ‘don’t get closer if you don’t want to get hurt’ is working properly; the situation may altogether be different in realty. You’re not protecting yourself from people, you’re pushing them away. It means in trying to avoid getting hurt by them, you’re hurting them and at the same time, you’re aggravating your habit of lack of trust.
Hence you need to engage in conscious efforts in order to get out of this habit at the earliest as otherwise, you may eventually lose all your loved ones and you may not be able to make new friends or relationships. Let’s see what losses you may take if you choose to trust people versus the ones you may take if you choose not to trust people.
If you trust people, it is very likely that some of them may hurt you every now and then. If you choose not to trust people, you may save yourself from getting hurt. However, not only you may end up hurting many people by not trusting them even when they are trustworthy, but you may also strengthen this habit. It means you may keep yourself away from the company of many good people who may bring a number of good things to you, if only you’re able to trust them.
Suppose you choose to put your trust in 10 people. Suppose 3 of them betray your trust, 6 of them neither betray you nor do a lot for you; and 1 of them proves good for you and he justifies the trust you put in him. Though the number of people betraying you is three times more than the ones who are faithful, the net results may still be favourable. The ones who betray you are not going to be there with you after they do so. It means you may move away from them. However, the ones who are faithful are going to be with you for long time or for life.
It means that on the path of trust; betrayals are momentary whereas faithfulness is long lasting. Hence you’re gaining a lot and you’re not losing. Though three people can hurt you three times or even thirty times before you choose to leave them; the one who’s faithful may do wonderful things for you, hundreds or even thousands of times throughout your life.
Memorize this important lesson that failures are single events, which means you don’t repeat something once you know you are going to suffer through it. On other hand, success is permanent, because you keep doing time and again; what you know works for you. Hence even if 100 failed experiments can lead you to one successful experiment, you’re not losing and you’re gaining a lot. You won’t repeat your failures but you’ll repeat your successes again and again.
Hence if you choose to stay away from people due to fear of getting hurt, you may end up paying much more than you may gain. When you go to vegetable market, you see all types of vegetables. You choose the ones you like whereas you leave the ones you don’t like. Though there may also be some poor quality vegetables in the market, you don’t stop going to the market. You find a suitable solution by choosing the good ones and ignoring the bad ones.
Similarly, you go to an apparel showroom, you select the items you find good and you reject the ones you don’t find good. Though there may be some items which are far below your standard, you still keep visiting the showroom, you ignore the substandard items and instead choose the ones according to your standards. Going deeper, suppose for any reason, a showroom owner cheats you by giving you defective items and he then refuses to return such items. In such case, you may at the most stop visiting such showroom and you may not stop buying clothes.
Likewise, you may switch to another mobile service providing company if your current service provider keeps troubling you. Similarly, in many other spheres, you experiment with a variety of things. You move away from the ones you don’t like and you select the ones which suit you. You do so because deep down you know that you can’t leave an entire practice, if an experiment goes bad. For instance, you can’t stop buying clothes if a seller cheats you. Life doesn’t work this way and you have to keep moving, no matter what comes.
This is the basic mantra for a happy life and you can’t ignore it if you wish to live properly. If you choose to move away from an entire sphere because of some troublesome experiences, you may end up buying no clothes, vegetables, mobile phones, vehicles and most other things. Having none of such things means almost having no life. Hence you keep moving despite setbacks. You experiment in every sphere, you discontinue the failed ones and you keep engaging in the successful ones.
You simply need to do the same in case of people. Keep experimenting and keep interacting with people. Keep the ones who are good for you and leave the ones who cause problems. To move on despite setbacks is the spirit of live.
You don’t stop eating tomatoes because a few rotten tomatoes have come to you hiding among good ones; you don’t stop wearing shoes because a pair of shoes has torn apart within a week after you bought them; you don’t stop using mobile services because a mobile company has robbed money from you; and you don’t choose to stay fallen because you have fallen third time in the last ten minutes. Likewise, you simply can’t stop trusting people because some of them have breached your trust and hurt you.
So don’t worry much about who hurts you or how many people hurt you and keep moving. Learn to experiment, select, reject and then move on. Keep the selected ones and leave the rejected ones, but keep experimenting.
If you are still not motivated enough, do a small but valuable experiment. Mix any type of edible grains with many other items which are not edible and some of which may be garbage like very small pieces of iron, plastic and other such things. Make a mixture in a ratio so that the grains are only 10% of the mixture and the remaining 90% is non-edible items. Throw this mixture over a place where birds may access it. Soon you may find out that though the mixture is full of non-edible items some of which may be potentially harmful for birds if eaten, birds are still coming in great numbers. They are carefully selecting grains from the mixture and they are eating them, whereas they are leaving all the junk items put in the mixture.
This process will keep going and soon you will find that the birds have searched for and eaten all the grains whereas they have rejected everything else which is 90% of the mixture. Some of these birds may try a few other items also, which may be new for them, like very small pieces of plastics which may resemble something edible. However, they may realize soon after trying such items that they are not good for them and they leave such items. Hence the birds come, select and eat ten 10% of useful items whereas they leave 90% of the mixture after finding that it is useless for them.
Now repeat this experiment and reduce the percentage of grains in the mixture, say to 5% this time. The birds will do the same, eat the grains and reject the remaining 95% of mixture. Even if you make a mixture with only 1% grains and 99% non-edible items, the birds are smart enough to select 1% grains and reject 99% non-edible items.
Stick to a mixture of 1% grains with 99% non-edible items. Keep offering such mixture to birds on daily basis. You’ll find that more and more birds are coming, they’re eating the grains and they’re leaving the rest. The best part is that you may find out that the birds are happy and cheerful, instead of being sad or frustrated. Though you’re offering them 1% useful items mixed with 99% useless items; they’re still thankful to you. This is because they understand that 1% is better than having nothing. A difficult opportunity is much better than having no opportunity at all. Hence they focus on what is suitable for them and they don’t bother about what is not.
According to a negative mind, they should curse you for making their job so difficult by mixing 99% useless items with 1% useful items. Hence their chances of success are about 1 in 100. However all you may find out is that they’re grateful to you and that is why they’re coming again and again, in increasing numbers. You’re giving them an opportunity and that is all that matters to them. Whether such opportunity is easy, difficult or very difficult doesn’t matter to them.
Compare this situation with the one where you don’t offer the birds anything at all. You may realize that though the first situation is difficult to handle for them, it still serves them value and it rewards them for the efforts done by them. However in the second situation, they get nothing at all. Though you save the birds a lot of trouble in the second situation by not making them select a small percentage of mixture with great difficulty, they still don’t like this situation as there are no rewards for them. On the other hand, they welcome you every time you offer them a new challenge, because they know for sure that they are going to be rewarded in the end, and that is what matters the most.
You see, even the species like birds have learnt this most valuable lesson of life by heart that difficult or very difficult opportunities are still much better than no opportunity. Success alone counts and failures don’t, in the long run. Hence you should learn to welcome the 1% that you like and not bother about the 99% that you don’t, in case the scenario is that difficult. Even in one such case, you’ll gain in the end and not lose, provided you keep playing.
Hence learn to experiment, do new things, meet new people, trust more people, get rewarded and get hurt also; because this is how life is meant to be. If you have to pick one out of two choices where the first one is die sitting on the shore being scared of going into the ocean and the second one is die drowning in the ocean, always pick the second one. This is because if you choose to die sitting on the shore, you will die achieving nothing or even attempting nothing.
On the other hand, if you choose to go to the ocean, explore it as much as you can and then die drowning, you have given yourself a lot. You have attempted new things, you have achieved new things, you have continuously engaged in karmas and you will die the death of a fighter and that of an achiever instead of dying the death of a scared or fearful person who has done nothing special with his life and he dies a loser.
Himanshu Shangari