One more negative trait which can cause problems is the habit of making excuses instead of doing your job properly and admitting your mistakes when you fail to do so.
Some people don’t do what is required of them in various spheres, in proper and/or timely manner. When the other person objects, one such person may make excuses and he may give many justifications for the problem at hand, instead of admitting his mistake. Though he may think he has fooled the other person with such excuses, he may only add fuel to the fire in most cases.
Everyone can face such situations from time to time when circumstances may not allow to complete certain tasks in proper and/or timely manner. This much should be fine. However, if you have developed a habit of not doing your tasks properly and then make excuses, it can cause serious concerns. Slowly but surely, you will lose credibility and most people may avoid giving you important tasks. This is because you’re not dependable.
Hence you need to fix this habit. Let’s look at the root cause of this habit. This problem initiated when at a point in time; you couldn’t complete a task at hand in proper/timely manner. Due to fear of loss or humiliation, you consciously chose to make excuses, instead of admitting your mistakes. The other person believed you since there was no reason for not believing you at that time. Hence you were saved. This encouraged you that if you can save yourself from apologies and/or punishments by making excuses, why not do so instead of admitting your mistakes.
Hence you tried it again and it worked. This gave more encouragement and you tried it again and again. Such conscious acts of making excuses wrote a script of ‘make excuses instead of admitting mistakes’; on your subconscious mind, with time and repetition. When that happened, you started making excuses without any conscious effort, which means naturally, which means subconsciously.
This habit was carried forward to your present life like all other habits and you started having it from the beginning. Hence you choose to make excuses instead of apologizing when a task is not completed because of your ignorance or mistakes. In the beginning, most people may believe you since they may not think you’re lying. However with time and repetition, they may understand that you have a habit of not completing tasks in proper/timely manner and then make excuses. This is when people start avoiding you.
Another aspect of this problem is that you may not bother completing your tasks in proper/timely manner. This is because you know you can make excuses. Hence this habit affects your performance, more and more with time. It means that people not trusting you is a smaller problem in comparison to you choosing not to complete tasks in proper/timely manner. This is because if you’re able to complete your tasks properly, you don’t need to make excuses.
Hence the habit of not completing your tasks in proper/timely manner may also come in combination with the habit of making excuses. One habit feeds the other and they may both get aggravated. You make excuses because you don’t deliver and you don’t deliver because you know you can make excuses.
Hence you need to change both these habits and you should start with the habit of making excuses. Though it may seem that you should fix the habit of not delivering results first as that may fix the need to make excuses, doing so is not the best way to deal with this problem. Understand that you have developed a habit of making excuses over a period of time. Hence if you treat and cure your problem of not delivering in proper/timely manner, you may not need to make excuses and both your problems may seem to go away.
In reality, you may only get rid of one habit, that of not delivering in proper/timely manner. When it comes to the habit of making excuses, you have not got rid of it. It is very much there but you don’t get opportunities to engage in it. Not having a habit and not being able to express despite having it are two different aspects. In the second case, you do have the habit but the opportunity to express is not there. The moment an opportunity arises, the habit may express. The catch is that as long as a habit is there, it’ll almost always create opportunities.
Hence as long as the habit of making excuses is there, you may not be able to fix the habit of not completing your tasks in proper/timely manner. It is like you choose to settle in a city or state where selling and consuming liquor is prohibited, in order to get rid of your habit of drinking too much. Though you may think you’ve got rid of the problem with time, you have not. This is because the urge may still be there and only the opportunities have disappeared. The moment an opportunity appears, the urge may take over again.
Hence you have quitted alcohol properly, only if you have all the opportunities to consume it but you don’t want to. Likewise, you can’t call yourself honest if you’ve not come across any opportunity which offered you to engage in an act of corruption on a large scale. It means if you can reject millions of dollars or other big temptations in exchange for engaging in acts of corruption; you may be honest. However if you don’t get such chances, you may or may not be honest.
Just like the presence of liquor is the test whether or not you’ve quitted in the real sense, the presence of opportunities for corruption is the test whether or not you’re honest. In the absence of opportunity, you may or may not have a habit. Hence the best way to test a habit or tendency is in the presence of extremely opposite circumstances.
Wood has a tendency to catch fire, stone/rock has a tendency not to catch fire whereas water has a tendency to pacify fire. However, in the absence of fire, all of them seem to behave the same; which means unaffected by fire. It is only when they interact with fire that their true natures will be revealed. As that happens, wood may catch fire, stone/rock may stay unaffected and water may try to extinguish fire.
A piece of wood can be there without catching fire for a 100 years or more. However, it doesn’t mean it won’t catch fire. It means that it never came in contact with fire. Hence this piece of wood is not immune to fire, it is lucky not to have come in contact with fire. Virtue is true only if it can sustain in the worst possible circumstances.
When it comes to negative habits, the best way to get rid of them is by developing immunity to them; and not by removing the opportunities to engage in them. Though the second practice may provide some temporary relief and it may be used in the beginning stages; it is not a permanent fix. Hence focus on the habit of making excuses. Once you’ve fixed it, you don’t want to make excuses, instead of not having the opportunities to make excuses. It means your problem has been fixed properly since you’ve become immune to making excuses.
As always, it may take long to change a habit. Subconscious may be considered like an ocean. Even if you wish to raise its temperature only by 1 degree, it may take long. Likewise, if you wish to reduce its temperature only by 1 degree, it may take long. In the same way, it may take long to write a script/habit on the subconscious and it may take long to replace it with another script/habit.
The subconscious is a creature of habit and one of its jobs is to execute such commands on behalf of the conscious, which are required on regular basis. This practice reduces load on the conscious mind, thereby reducing the load on the entire system. For the same task, you may need 10 times less effort when doing it subconsciously, compared to when doing it consciously. Hence the subconscious reduces the load on the system and it saves energy.
This is why you may get accustomed to various types of keyboards and keypads of various gadgets with time. With practice, your fingers may automatically seem to press the keys that you wish to press. This is because your subconscious mind has recorded all the movements and it performs this operation for you. Since you can’t feel the actions of the subconscious, you may feel like you’re typing naturally.
Change your keyboard type or get a new phone with a different type of keypad. You’ll notice that you need to engage in conscious efforts in order to get accustomed to the new keyboard. This is because your subconscious knows that certain specific keys lie at certain specific places. Since the arrangement of keys has changed, you may keep typing wrong words as the subconscious may press J instead of K, since J lies where K lied. With conscious efforts and time, you need to tell your subconscious that K has a new position, along with many other alphabets and letters. Once the subconscious records the new script; you may start typing naturally on this keyboard also.
The same applies to all other spheres of life. Taking another example, you may need due conscious effort when you try to visit a place for the first time, since you don’t know its exact location and you need to find it. Once you’ve visited such place 100 times or more, you may not have to think at all and your car may automatically take you there. This is because your subconscious has memorized the route through repetition. This is why you can keep talking on phone when you go to your office, since your subconscious is driving the car, most of the time.
However, you can’t do the same when you’re trying to find a place for the first time. You need to do all the effort with your conscious mind in this case, since your subconscious has no record of this place. Hence you can’t afford to talk on phone while driving since you need to engage your conscious mind in finding such place, with its full ability. It should be noted that talking to someone is almost always a conscious act. This is because you don’t know what the other person is going to say and your responses are based on what they say.
Hence you need conscious focus while talking to someone since people don’t talk according to fixed scripts. It means you may have talked to someone 1000s of times but he may come up with something new each time. The word ‘new’ is the domain of the conscious whereas the word ‘repetition’ is the domain of the subconscious. Since most people don’t repeat what they say at different points in time; you need conscious effort in order to talk to someone.
Coming back to the main topic, you need to get rid of habit of making excuses, in order to fix your problem properly. Let’s look at some practices which may help. Each time you fail to accomplish a task in proper/timely manner, make sure you admit your mistakes and you don’t make excuses. As always, you should begin with small activities and build up from there. This way, your subconscious may not pose strong resistance because you’re not undertaking tasks which are in strong opposition to the subconscious. It means you’ll attempt tasks which are somewhat difficult but not a lot difficult than you can attempt at any point in time. The resistance won’t be much in such cases and you may get through with conscious efforts.
The biggest hurdle as well as the biggest advantage on this path is your ego. Looking at the first aspect, your ego may make it very difficult for you to admit mistakes and apologize to people; since ego hates admitting mistakes and apologizing. Hence the best way to begin this practice is by admitting your mistakes to yourself. There are two benefits in this. Firstly, you may find it much easier to admit your mistakes to yourself than admitting them to other people.
Secondly and more importantly, you don’t know how other people may react when you admit mistakes. One person may appreciate your gesture of being honest about your mistakes whereas another one may humiliate or even punish you for your mistakes. If the latter happens, it may discourage you and you may wish to disengage from the entire practice. Hence it’s better to start on your own.
However, such acts need to be conscious as otherwise, they may not bring about changes. Hence try to make them as conscious as you can. For example, each time you fail to deliver, write or type 5 to 10 times that it’s your mistake and you won’t repeat it. While doing so, try to consciously engage as much as you can.
Apart from that, you can stand in front of mirror and address the person in the mirror as third party. Say in a fairly high volume to yourself that it is your mistake and you’ll not repeat it. Be completely involved and treat yourself as you’re treating a third person who’s committed a mistake. Verbal admission is more difficult than written admission. Hence you may not need to repeat it 10 times like in case of written admission. For this reason, verbal admission with a graphic image of yourself in the mirror can prove very helpful, provided you’re doing it seriously and not considering it some type of game.
You may have seen in some movies that if someone wishes to admit or confess something difficult, he or she writes a message instead of engaging in verbal admission or confession. This is because verbal admissions are more difficult than written ones. Even if the other person is not in front of you and you’re to deliver such admission over phone, you may find it more difficult than dropping a message. Even when it comes to message, you may find that it is easier to type a message than recording a voice message. When you speak, your entire existence backs up this act, much more than it backs up the act of writing. Hence you’re more aware and you need more conscious effort. Therefore, verbal admissions of mistakes are probably the best ones.
Once you’ve become comfortable with this level, you need to move to the second and more important level. At this stage, choose some people who may be only 1 or 2; who you trust and who you know are positive in general. Each time you commit one such mistake, admit it to them and assure them that you won’t repeat it. For example, if you failed to deliver a product or item on time due to your ignorance, admit it to them in the evening or whenever you as well as they have time to spare, at the earliest. Doing so is a step forward since it is difficult to admit mistakes before other people. However, it may not be too much since you trust these people and you know they won’t judge you unfairly.
Once you engage in such admissions, you may use your ego positively. Ego hates apologizing. Hence it may take two major paths to avoid this course of action. The first one is by making excuses and the second one is by making sure that you don’t engage in such acts which result in you apologizing. Since you’ve eliminated the first path; it has to take the second path.
As a result, you may realize that you have started putting much more conscious effort to make sure that you don’t repeat the same mistakes. This is because you have to admit them to such people again; that you failed despite promising not to fail. Hence your ego may do its best not to let that happen. Ego is the second most powerful entity lying within you; where the first one is the conscience. If you’re smart, you can use your ego to your advantage. At this level, you may witness significant improvements.
You can build up from here and you may start admitting your mistakes to the people who are supposed to suffer due to such mistakes, during the third level. Here again, admit those mistakes which may cause relatively small problems; and you may cover up for those ones which you know may offend other people a lot. This is the third level and bigger mistakes should be admitted during the fourth level.
Once you’re comfortable with the third level, you can move to the fourth level. Try to admit each and every one of your mistakes at this stage, no matter how big it may be. The beauty is that you may not commit many by the time you reach this stage. This is because with time and conscious efforts, you may have replaced the script on your subconscious mind from, ‘why bother when you can make excuses’ to ‘better do your job properly than making excuses’. Hence you may complete most of your tasks in proper/timely manner. At this stage, you don’t make many mistakes and you admit the ones you make. It means your habit of not completing tasks in proper/timely manner as well as that of making excuses is gone.
Along with this, start working on the habit of not completing tasks in proper/timely manner. Right from the first level, you should start putting conscious efforts on making sure that you complete your tasks properly. Assign yourself small but valuable tasks in the beginning and try to complete them properly.
Depending on your level of comfort, you may assign yourself various activities like, “from now on I will wake up 30, 20 or even 15 minutes earlier than I do”, “I will clean my room on daily basis”, “I will have lunch ready by 2 PM and dinner ready by 8:30 PM without fail”, “I will wash or clean my car everyday between 7 AM and 8 AM or between any other specific times”, “I will assist my wife in purchase of vegetables and I will do so in a proper and timely manner”, I will go for a walk or for running every day or 3-4 times a week at a specific time and for a specific period of time”, “I will read books offering knowledge for 15 or 30 minutes every day or for a couple of hours every week” and many other such tasks which you think may work best for you at this level.
As you start doing these activities again and again; your conscious mind will send more and more messages to your subconscious mind. These messages will say that you want to do your job in proper and timely manner and if you fail to do so, you are willing to admit your mistakes rather than making excuses. As these messages reach your subconscious mind again and again, they’ll replace the old script and write a new one that you want.
Once you have mastered this level, move ahead and start applying this method to tasks in your professional sphere and other important spheres. With time and efforts, you may find that your subconscious mind is supporting you in doing so, instead of opposing you.
It was doing its job according to the old script earlier; and it is doing its job according to the new script now. Though it may seem to behave differently to you, it is doing the same job; executing the script written by your conscious mind, without any questions asked.
Hence choose wisely what you write on your subconscious mind because a right kind of script can make your subconscious your friend whereas a wrong kind of script can make it your enemy.
Himanshu Shangari